she left the harbour

This picture is about this evening. We met a friend who told us about his broken marriage. My husband gave a many advices, I felt we ought to listen to his story without any comment, just listen. And sometimes it's better to say something which helps someone to become aware of some inner processes. I believe every story has many layers below the surface. A layer of the hidden agendas, a layers of emotions, a layers old histories, a layer of unconsious feelings, a layer of unconsious beliefs, a layer of prints of the past, sometimes a layer of the history of our ancestors.... And many more. All those layers have influence on our present situation.While we talked, I became aware of my husbands layers. How they have influence on our marriage. It hit me somehow, I need to make contact with my own layers... I have the feeling that I need to inquire my thoughts about our marriage. It can be very interesting. I need time for that... Don't know when.... Maybe I will draw something about it. I'm very curious. But at this moment I wanna send our friend some energy.....

I only wanna play.....

 I only wanna play. In the past I thought I can't, I must be serious, work hard, raise our child, work at my inner problems, work at my health, work at my relation...... Had a hard time. After a while my brother toke me with him on an old sailing ship. My other brother was there to and a many friends. We laughed and played 3 days and after that I had pain for 3 days in my body because of the laughter. I had headache too! Had to work hard again, raise up our daughter, work at our relation. Had a harde time. Maybe it wasn't hard at all, it was my believe I had a hard time. Since those 3 days, I knew I had to change my life. And after many years of changing, dissapointments, discussions, angry words and a many tears I discovered I could live my life in the same circumstances with another attitude. I started to enjoy what I had. My work became a play. I changed the 'must' in a 'want'. Ok, It took a long time to become who I am now.
But almost everybody who watch me living my life give me a positive feedback.
I love my job, I love my husband, I love my daugther, I love my parents, I love my world-your world-our world. Why? I discoverd my gifts, I play with them, all kind of experiments became a playgame. I'm not telling, I wont cry anymore, oh no, this would be a lie. I'm not telling you I don't have bad luck anymore, it would be a lie too. But in every nightmare/bad situation there is always a hidden treasure. Believe me, I learn, I get an insight, I discover a original way out, I become stronger, I become wiser.
This is the story behind the picture.
Find your treasure, dare to play the game of life.

Her world

I'm a rollingstone in rainbowland.

I wander around in this beautiful world and at the same time I'm aware about what is going on inside me. My contact with other people is very intense. Sometimes I'm not aware of the me and the other. Sometimes it is not easy for me to keep me the me who I am. Sometimes I'm the other.  In the past I had a lot of problems with this. Sometimes I was in such a phase for many days. I liked it, because this world was nice to explore. And at the other hand my personal life became a mess. 
After many years of ups and downs, I found several ways to handle this. 

One of them is talking to someone while I draw a picture, this works very well when we meet by phone. I tried it several times and when the phone call is done, I read my picture. It gives me a clear answer about the questions which raised during the story at the phone.
That is one profit, sometimes I tell the person about the picture. They get some answers too.
The second profit is that I'm still 'me' at the end of the story. I don't dream about it, I don't suffer after it, I let the story with the storyteller. It is not a heavy issue to me. And I can continue what I was doing before the phone call instead of carrying the heavy weigth of other peoples problems.
And the third profit is a greatful feeling: I drawned a beautiful picture. I don't care if what others think about it, I like my pictures very much. They tell a story, they look great and I often use them again and again.

My energy tells me....

I don't like to be integrated in the team. 

It makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Just let me continue what I do now.

It is frustrating to think, work out, review, share, correct, etc.

I have enough of the 'job'-feeling,

I have enough jobs to do.

There is also something else going on:

I'm high sensitive and high connective to others.

Sometimes people come inside me that fast, that I don't recognise that. 

I trained myself to recognise it,

but if that person has many simular behaviours and interests,

I'm not aware of it.

I know what's happened afterwards

when I watch myself doing things which the other person want me to do.

It is not me anymore.

I'm loosing energy then.

My way to unconnect is to create some distance for a few days.

When it doesn't work,

I quit the relation.

I have to find my way to deal with this.

For the moment it's better to force myself a bit

by not answering mails or questions immediately.

I need to walk intuïtive through life

not by filling in the needs of others.

My mission is helping people to become aware of their real needs.

To help them to become aware of the possiblities to fill in those needs.

And when that happens it is more easy for them

to ask the right question to the universe.

Solutions will show up.

I know this works well,

I've experienced it myself.

Writing the last words brings back my energy.

I guess this is all...

I like writing but

I like writing posts at the I-dare.me page..... sometimes....

No,

sometimes I write posts at this page and I like it.

I also like to write about my personal proces.

I like to write about my old and new histories,

about my different point of views,

about what I like and what I don't like.

I like to write about my daring experiences.

 And I like to write about experiments which turned out in nothing.

They tell about what went wrong,

about difficulties and about the treasure

which I've found at the end, or even years after.

I believe that every experiment ends with a profit.

Al least I became wiser of it

and I can understand others who had the same experience.

I'm not someone who sits at the sofa,

watching the world go by

and posting their comments about it on facebook.

I 'live' the world.

 And I like this so very much

that I wanna do that all my life.

So my stories can be about:

- being addicted to something

- walking in a street with a dead end

just because I never had been there.

- trying to understand others and myself, but I can't fully.

- creating 'art' with the 'wrong' materials

    and lift up the result with my tablet to something very beautiful......

    And then I have to admit that I cannot show the real thing,

    but I can make nice postcards of the virtual picture.

- about creating magic moments

- about feeling bad, sad, stupid and my way to deal with this.

I shall continue what I'm doing the way I'm doing it.

Not as an admin,

just free as I am till now.

Writing at a I-dare.me community

Writing a post at this page..... 

I shared some before and doubted to write another. 

But I think this is something I have to do right now.

Since a few weeks I feel like I'm walking on thin ice. 

I feel very, very greatful when I get a sign that I am

at the right place at the right time

to make a difference in someones life. 

Especially when they are at a crossroad 

or in a big doubt about what to do or not. 

Continue or quit. 

I've heard years ago I was someone 

who shows the direction to others. 

I had my doubts about that, 

but all kind of fenomenal things happen 

and I started to believe in this. 

In july I joined a workshop about writing your own lifestory. 

I went through these days by full intuition. 

At the end of the week the other women called me 

excentric, special, magic, etc. 

And I had a dream: 

my whole world was moving:-) 

Since then I continued this way of being 

and there is still a lot going on around me. 

Its like I'm in the center of many peoples road to their destination. 

Like a "sign" at a crossroad. 

I'm not a teacher just a sign. 

A lovely mail of a friend 

of me who is greatful for my action 

 just at her moment of doubt is for me the sign 

that I have to continue what I'm doing. 

I believe strongly (also since that course) 

that my actions make a difference in many peoples life. 

But I also know that I go my way when the job is done. 

I will never continue to walk the same path 

with the people who got that sign..... I

t has nothing to do with them, 

its my path to walk alone. 

I wont step out of their life immediately,

but I know by experience that some day we grow apart. 

But the holy feeling of what happened 

will be kept like a treasure. 

 I could write a whole thick book about such stories. 

And before this month I asked myself many times: 

"why is my life like the way it is" I know now, 

it's my mission. 

I realy like to read Stevens stories:-) 

I also know that people like my stories, 

because they tell me when we meet. 

I'm a bit affraid to spend to much time to this new adventure 

of writing them down at this page. 

Because I'm spending much time in my other adventures.

But.... 

Ha, ha, I think about lesson one on the first day 

of that course of a few weeks ago: 

If you don't know how to start 

and if you have to much chaos in your head, 

do some mind mapping and pick one word out. 

Then write maximum 10 minutes about it. 

This is enough.... 

I did not agree at that moment, 

but at the end of the week 

I had so many little and beautiful stories. 

Not always wellwritten, 

but it was like my 365-days project: 

I started to feel and raising energy level 

and my stories became more readable each day. 

Ok, putting this aside, 

I would like to try to write for I-dare.me. 

Although my English vocabulary is a bit simple. 

Sometime I use wrong words when I translate from Dutch to English. 

Anyway, who would I be if I would not dare to do it. 

I have already a weblog which is a bit asleep, 

my Dutch weblog also, by te way.:-) 

I think it is very ok to write about ups and downs, 

because this will help others to try. 

Life aint always walking at the bright side of life. 

We have darkrooms too. 

Ok, this is it for now. 

I took more then 10 minutes, haha. 

I will do my best to make it shorter next time :)

My dream

Sophie asked her readers: 'What is your dream?'

i-dare.me/blog/2012/02/05/what-is-your-dream

And this is my reply

Ha, you got me in the corner................
My dream? I live my dream since 11 (or something) years.
Since I told myself that I wanna know why people do what they do and why they are who they are.
Since that day everybody is telling me their story.
Since that day everything happens to show me the why.
Since that day I started to understand this for me also.
Since that day I got insight in the behaviour of my relatives and friends
Some of them I never met since then, but I realy believe we'll meet again.

Also since then I started to draw mandala's which tell me all about inner feelings which I could not explain. Feelings of me, feelings of others.

And also since then I succeed more and more in visualising (by my art) other peoples dreams,  wishes, hopes and answers.

So I live my dream at the moment too.

Related to that dream I had so many creative ideas and a lot of them never saw daylight, because there are only 24 hours in a day. So I dreamed about a never ending creative mission, which makes everybody happy. I dream about following my heart and giving my art to everybody who's in my life. I also dreamed about an income buy selling postcards and stories.
This was my state of being at the end of last year...........

~While I write this I got an idea: postcards with 'some art ánd a story'.~

That is why I started my 365 day project about 'All I like to do thise 365 days'.
It helps me to work with deadlines and it helps me to believe that I am 'an all-day-instant-creator'. I love the 'temporary-art-effect' of this.

So
When you asked us to tell you our dreams, I thought "I don't know for the moment".
But like in my 365 project I started to write a comment at your post, believing that my words will come while writing.

Here it is:  I live my dream already:
I can write, draw, paint, create, inspire right here, right now, at any moment I wish, at any place, about any idea.
I love the life I live.

Thank you for the invitation. :))

My way out

My way out started with my way inside

which began at the outside.

At that surfice seemed to be no depth

which appeared to be ok,

but it didn't feel like that for me,

because deep down under that surface

was a black hole

which almost absorbted my heart.

That is why I dived in that black hole:

I wanted to save my heart.

I landed in the middle of me

where I discovered life

which was ready to be born.

I realy loved to do it:

Being born for the second time

and that's what happened.

Since that moment I live for two

but I'm not superficial anymore.