My dream

Sophie asked her readers: 'What is your dream?'

i-dare.me/blog/2012/02/05/what-is-your-dream

And this is my reply

Ha, you got me in the corner................
My dream? I live my dream since 11 (or something) years.
Since I told myself that I wanna know why people do what they do and why they are who they are.
Since that day everybody is telling me their story.
Since that day everything happens to show me the why.
Since that day I started to understand this for me also.
Since that day I got insight in the behaviour of my relatives and friends
Some of them I never met since then, but I realy believe we'll meet again.

Also since then I started to draw mandala's which tell me all about inner feelings which I could not explain. Feelings of me, feelings of others.

And also since then I succeed more and more in visualising (by my art) other peoples dreams,  wishes, hopes and answers.

So I live my dream at the moment too.

Related to that dream I had so many creative ideas and a lot of them never saw daylight, because there are only 24 hours in a day. So I dreamed about a never ending creative mission, which makes everybody happy. I dream about following my heart and giving my art to everybody who's in my life. I also dreamed about an income buy selling postcards and stories.
This was my state of being at the end of last year...........

~While I write this I got an idea: postcards with 'some art ánd a story'.~

That is why I started my 365 day project about 'All I like to do thise 365 days'.
It helps me to work with deadlines and it helps me to believe that I am 'an all-day-instant-creator'. I love the 'temporary-art-effect' of this.

So
When you asked us to tell you our dreams, I thought "I don't know for the moment".
But like in my 365 project I started to write a comment at your post, believing that my words will come while writing.

Here it is:  I live my dream already:
I can write, draw, paint, create, inspire right here, right now, at any moment I wish, at any place, about any idea.
I love the life I live.

Thank you for the invitation. :))

My way out

My way out started with my way inside

which began at the outside.

At that surfice seemed to be no depth

which appeared to be ok,

but it didn't feel like that for me,

because deep down under that surface

was a black hole

which almost absorbted my heart.

That is why I dived in that black hole:

I wanted to save my heart.

I landed in the middle of me

where I discovered life

which was ready to be born.

I realy loved to do it:

Being born for the second time

and that's what happened.

Since that moment I live for two

but I'm not superficial anymore.

Breaking chains and finding love

Years ago I made this drawing.

It was about breaking my chains which made me feel uncomfortable.

It was about diving in the depth of emotions and making contact with an open heart.

I've found out a few years later:

- those chains exist only in my head. I didn't have to leave anybody.

- the love was existing in the same world which I thought I had to leave.

- I thought I had to follow someone to be ok, but I 'm ok now by following my own heart.

- I thought I had no choice at all, but now I know I never knew what to do.

- I thought I was punished by others if I did not listen, but now I know I never listened to myself.

- I thought I was lonely, but it was me who didn't create a real contact.

- I realised that I was the one who didn't dare to feel blessed.

After I broke free:

- I met a lot of people, but I also met the same people as before.

- I looked in a different way to everybody and saw the love in their behaviour.

- I discoverd the beauty in everybody.

- I felt a lot of emotions, but I was glad I could feel them instead of ignoring them.

- I discovered all the gifts I had in me, which were locked inside me, by me, because I was affraid to show them.

- I started to laugh.

- I started to feel grateful.

- I started to believe that the best was here to come

- I started to believe that I was ok the way I am.

This is a part of my story. I did not step out of my marriage, I did not quit the work for our company.

All I did was quitting my own behaviour against all there was.

All I did was starting to explore what I realy wanted in life.

All what happened was a positive change in my view of my world.

The thick red line in my life

The thick red line in my life.

Since I was born I struggled with a strong issue in life.
It started at that day when I wanted to enter the world.
I was 2 weeks to late,
It took three days to come
and when I was there, I did not breath,
my skin became blue
and everybody thought I would not make it.
When the doctor gave me a last smash on my poop
I started to cry softly.
Everybody thought I would have brain damage,
because I didn't breath for a long time.
They thought I would not make it.

When I raised up my grandmother thought I needed to change
she thought I would not make it with a character like mine
A teacher thought I would not make it
he told me several times I was to stupid.....
Every time I when started enthusiastic,
I lost my energy, my power, my believe,
I never reached the finish on my own.

Since then I started to hold in at what I started to do
because I believed what they believed.
It became a way of being.
I have had a lot of beautiful idea's,
but every time when there was some public to watch
I didn't do anything at al.

If I started up something without public
I reached a beautiful result
which I showed to someone
and that was it......
I never reproduce the same or something like that.
I never use the first success to break through
and made money out of it.
I did not make it at all.
Most of the time others finished what I started,
several times they toke over my job or idea.

I always saw myself as a loser,
I was always glad that someone toke over
I was never angry that someone copied me.
I was disappointed in me, that's all.

I searched for reasons why I was like this.
I searched in family histories.
I searched in all kind of therapy for a change in my way of being.
Sometimes this issue lived at the background.
Sometimes it was the biggest issue at that moment.
This year I told myself:
"I can't live with this anymore,
this summer I want to work on this issue and nothing else."
I had some ideas about workshops.
I read a lot about it.
I made some appointments, wanted to meet some people....
It was like I was a blind person in a desert.

And then somebody told me a story of Paulo Coelho about the desert,
which I once read myself, but I forgot it.
This desert cried because he thought you could not serve anything to mankind.
A visitor told the desert about all he gave to the world by being a desert
and the desert cried because he lost so many years
believing that he was good for nothing..........
When the visitor prayed for a change of thoughts of the desert
the desert went wet at a certain place:
there appeared a little well which became bigger every day
people made a pit and called this 'the pit of the tears of the desert'
Everybody who drunk of its water
changed the reason of sadness in life into a reason for happiness
and by this way they could find their reason for being in this world......

I listened very carefully,
thought about the beauty of it......
and then I found the reason why I had to hear it:
I changed the reason of my sadness into a reason for happiness.
I will not explain all what happened in my life till now
(I know now the reason for all, but it will be a long story)

But now:
I can see that the doctor who saved my life
felt desperate till he saved me.
From that moment he knew he could save lives
when everybody told him it was hopeless.
Every time he saw me when I rose up,
he remembered that he saved my life.
That he was a good doctor.

But now:
I can see that my parents are proud, that they never gave me up
They supported me when I gave up,
they helped me through bad times,
saved me when I almost got drowned,
lift me up when I fell,
believed in me when nobody else did.
They had a reason to be proud that they did.
They had a reason to live and to be creative to find solutions.
They had reasons to support me when that teacher didn't.

But now:
I know when people take over what I begun,
they find out that they have a great capacity in something,
which they never expected in themselves.

But now I know also:
That I did a lot of things, which I finished quit well.
That once I do something it has to be done quickly
and never do it again.
It will be one of a kind.
It can be an act of friendship,
it can be some art,
it can be some words I said.

And every one of a kind I made real,
was made without public
and it will help me to remember that I can finish what I do.
What I didn't finish had a reason.
I never have to be sad or desperate or angry about this anymore.

I feel like I can start to live happy without a doubt about the past.
Wow, ain’t that nice?

Also

Me also

Yes, some days are so and so in my life too.
And yes, sometimes I'm tumbling deep down in a depression like state too.
Feeling awful, miserable, worthless, painful, negative, useless,
don't think I never had/have such days/weeks in my life.
When I write about being in the flow,
it's because I know the difference very well,
because I enjoy it every minute,
because I know what it is to be out of the flow,
when everything is so and so,
or to be in a depressive state, which is never so and so,
where is no light and where seems to be no way out........

That last state of being is not often mine
and when its there, it is never expected,
when its there it is like raising water:
I try to swim
and then I get tired
and instead of thinking about floating on it
I get afraid, out of control, I feel I'm die.

Once I had such a day,
My body woke up painful,
like it always does after a hot day before
and hot means to my body +25°C
so it isn’t hot at all
but my body doesn't stand this temperature.
I worked the day before 12 hours in a row, 5 hours above 25°C.
When I came home I didn't want to lay down early,
fought against all signals, did some computer work.

So next morning I woke up in pain,
went to the work in pain
heard a lot of negativity on the news
out other peoples mouth
it started to rain very hard
the pain in my body raised
I could not think clear
came back home
went to my parents
they were negative too
got headache
did the shopping, took mom with me,
in the meantime I felt like I drowned
I spoke very negative.
Started to blame everybody,
decided that I could not be like this anymore
and went home without taking my parents out for a diner or drink.

They did not deserve this,
but I could not be nice and happy anymore.
I felt like the devil was in me.
I felt I wanted too......... don't ask
I drove back home
I don't remember my way back home clearly
was glad that I could sleep
and to all what happened that day,
to all those stories,
to all that pain in my body,
to all people who want show compassion with me
I said 'fuck you'

My body was a bit better the day after
My mind seemed to be a bit better
I was recovering, I hoped so....
There was a lot to do
and a lot of tears wanted flow too.

..........Had to excuse me to my parents..........

Don't you ever think I don't have those days!

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

this question appeared at my screensaver

I want to write something

but I could not find the right way to start

this time my thoughts is about gaming

I gamed a lot years ago

spent so much time in it

less sleep just to become a winner

and if I failed,

I started again and again…… and again

those were simple games

not about building societies or fighting

just simple games

me against me in the next game

I wanted to be better then before

that was all

in those games it did not matter if I failed

I could start over and try again

nobody laughed about my results

because nobody gamed with or against me

it was also easy for me to game

at that moment I could not make time

to fail in the real world

there were no failures

because I did not do anything else

except some jobs which I could do on automatic pilot

I did not have to make choices

which could be wrong

I could not meet people

who could be wrong

I also could not meet people

who could ask difficult questions about my life

I could not create anything

which could be something miserable

I could not make time for sex

which could hurt my body and heart

yeah, life was easy……

what I know now

is that I had to experience with gaming

to find out what this did to me

to help me to understand how my mind works

to open my eyes about becoming a slave

of something which blocks my thoughts

of something which makes me dead inside

so what would I attempt to do if I knew I could not fail?

yeahhh,

the world is the place to find out

that there is a chance of more than 50%

that the result will be positive

it will make my day

and it will last longer

then the memory about winning a game

thoughts

my other blog: http://www.bloggen.be/gedachtenkronkelingen/